10 Facts about a Wild Soph

by NICK SIMMONS

  1. Soph will never start a movie at home and finish it. It is a rule that she must fall asleep before any twist or surprise ending occurs. Her brother will then take pictures of her sleeping face and text them to her.
  2. When Soph gets scared, she doesn’t scream or run away; instead, she will fall down/crumple to the ground like a pile of laundry. She will then stay curled in a little ball until the scary thing goes away or stops being scary.
  3. A wild Soph’s natural habitat is a den, with a fuzzy blanket made of live dogs. She inexplicably avoids smelling like dogs even though she is constantly surrounded by them.
  4. A wild Soph doesn’t give a sh** what you think of her body or her weight–she is precisely the right shape and size for Soph, and doesn’t know of anyone else she’s required to impress.
  5. A Soph’s diet is restrictive due to a debilitating number of bizarre allergies to the most arbitrary foods imaginable. However, she will also simply eat those foods anyway, if those foods are bread, butter, cupcakes, or anything similar.
  6. Much like the honey badger, Soph doesn’t give a f*** about predators like bears or wild dogs. She will, however, fall down and turn into a ball if she sees a suitably hairy spider.
  7. Soph enjoys stuff, and things.
  8. Soph’s natural sworn enemy is the “Pro-ho”, a Canadian term for a young woman who seeks only to date “professionals” in any field (athlete, actor, musician) specifically to gain money/attention. Incidentally, she constantly must protect her brother from Pro-hos.
  9. Soph plays every sport imaginable and can probably beat you. This may be due to her uncanny ability to break the laws of physics when she throws things–a wild Soph has a strange, almost supernatural knack for throwing things and having them land in extremely bizarre and unlikely places. For example, she once flipped a coin, and it landed upright on its ridges–neither heads, nor tails!
  10. Soph sometimes has trouble saying words. If a word doesn’t come out as planned, Soph will instead make a small “rawr” sound, and throw something at you, which will then probably land in some inexplicable position on your head.